So I have been thinking about how important our image is to the people around you. I have been thinking about this lately, and I am not happy with the answer.
I suffer from a disorder with my hormones and there is no cure. The disease can be managed but I will have to deal with the effects for the rest of my life. Two of the major consequences of my disorder are weight gain and the potential to be diabetic. As of now, I am overweight and no matter how hard I work it appears that I always will be.
I also know that no matter how hard I study I will never be able to post a high enough score on the GRE to get me into graduate school in English Literature. I know that no matter how hard I work, I will never be able to make a living where I have my basic needs met. I know that I will never be able to retire. I know that I will never get married and have children. I know that hard work will never give me all the things that I need. So why do I keep getting up in the morning?
I fight. It is the only thing that I know how to do. I fight against the fates—I fight against Klotho. I fight that I might have a future that does not exist. I fight for my place in the world. My father told me that my birth was not planned. I am an accident. And the course of my life certainly proves it. I thought for a while that I would be dead at 21 years of age. I did not die. So I am on the course to something. I just don’t know what that is.
I am reminded of my life when I read Tess of the d’Urbervilles. Tess was also unable to change her life, and instead she had to make decisions out of necessity not desire. And when she was close to having her desire—her lover, Angel, left her after finding out she was raped. Tess then had to go and live with her attacker until Angel returned to get Tess back. Tess then had to make a terrible decision—the only way she could be free was to kill the man who attacked her and changed the course of her life forever. In the end Tess paid with her life.
I have avoided making decisions out of fear. I have avoided drug addiction. I have pulled myself from abusive relationships. I WILL NOT BE TESS.
So what is the moral of this missive? KEEP FIGHTING EVEN IF YOU NEVER WIN.